I love you....painstakingly.

I've loved you since the moment I laid my eyes on you. Together we were natural, shedding true tears, true laughter and true smiles. I miss that. I hurt knowing that your not in my life any more. Against my will, I think about you daily. Why can't I get you out of my heart?! Damn the situation, I need you by my side now. I hurt knowing you feel the same but refuse to let it show because your gone. it maks me doubt you, doubt us......just hurt.




 I love you...painstakingly. 

Spelman

Two things. Okay maybe three.

1. Although I am not and at this point never will be a Spelman Alumna, my heart and soul tell me I am and always will be a Spelmanite. The lessons, experiences, people, and consequential growth that I underwent while living in the shadow of Sister's Chapel is an integral part of my personal foundation. 

2. Because of this I take offense to this song. I don't appreciate what this man said about my Spelman sisters. Point, blank. period.

3. I am irked because low key he is really talking about the negative stereotypes of a Spelman woman, which regretfully, there is a number of girls that rep Spelman and continue to perpetuate this stereotype. When I was a student there I hated the reaction I would get when I told certain people I was a Spelmanite ("Oh, your one of THOSE women.....") Like really?! What is "One of THOSE women" supposed to mean?? A sexy, intelligent woman who is about her business and demands respect? Yes; I am. A stuck up, money hungry bitch?.....nah thats that girl repping Spelman in all the wrong ways.

Everywhere I look a friend is getting married or pregnant. I am almost 25 and am feeling these pressures. I want a family but I want to do it the right way. At the same time I want my children to be able to enjoy their grandfather. My dad is 60 and clearly not getting any younger. I feel like I am at a fork in the road. I could get pregnant but struggle more so than I already do. Or I could wait and push through these feelings and fully take care of me first.
 I feel slightly lost because I want the companionship and I feel like I am ready for the companionship, but the choices are not what I want....minus one.
We are enjoying our friendship, but I feel like I want more from him than this. I don't want to complicate that.

I don't know i'm still working through my feelings. This is a long, grueling process.

Getting over it all

In conversations with my father and his current girlfriend I have realized that Fran still has a ridiculously strong hold on me and how I view myself. I decided that I need to write her a letter in hopes that it will bring closure to that chapter in my life. I know that it is holding me back to still have those feelings deep down inside of me.
I want to go beyond that and write my father, mother and grandparents. I think that my father will be the most difficult one to write of all because I still have to face him. My letter to Fran will be difficult simply because I know it will take alot out of me to dig that deep, when I have made it a mission not to express my feelings about her outside of anger and pain. I know that thereis more inside of me. Hell I might just go on a writing mission and write everyone!

As difficult as I know this project will be, I think I will come out of it a stronger more confident woman.

Babies

I have not had a period since May 24. I was very scared that I was pregnant, but I took a cheap pregnancy test and it says that I'm not. So I am not quite so worried now ya know? I already told P, he supports me with this. lol He even asked if I want him to come to the doctor with me. I think he hopes that I am pregnant since he has no kids of his own. What is so great about this little situation is that I just broke up with him. Thankfully we are on really good terms....like I don't think he gets the extent that I need to separate myself from him. I still want to be his friend but sex and relationshipness needs to go.

relationships

This has already been an interesting summer on the love/lust continuum. I have been in a "relationship" with this man for almost a year and I feel something changing. I say relationship because we are not officially together....but we go through most of the motions of a truly monogomous couple. At least I know he does. I on the other hand I do not. In my eyes, since he does not fully claim me then I can do who and what I want.
But I digress..... although I am technically dating 2 people and semi talking to another I am quickly coming to the realization that I am tired of playing games and am ready to settle down.
I guess this realization really smacked me in the face when a very special friend from my past called me earlier this week reprofessing his love for me and the fact that he wants me to give him a child. When I told him that "no children are coming outta me without a ring on my finger" he said that he can see marriage happening between us.

Now I know I said I'm ready for a relationship....but not a family!!! I am far from ready to be a mother.

What makes this realization so difficult is the fact that I truly care for the man that I have been with for the past year. I know he cares for me as well, but I also know that he doesn't want to be in a true relationship....honestly, I don't think I want to be in a real relationship with him. I have come to the realization that I need to be with someone closer to my age. But I am afraid to lose him. It hurts to think about it, but although I am afraid to lose him, I am also prepared for him to leave (backwards right?!). Although I don't really think he will. I feel myself becoming more distant to him and I know he can tell because he says it all the time. He has even resorted to calling instead of texting me in the mornings...yet again, I digress...

I am so confused right now. I want to be with him but I know that he is not good for me in the long run and he will probably hold me back, my heart can't afford that....I have made this mistake before. So I have to let him go....but all I want to do is hold him tighter.

Joy

He and I are good.
      We are great even.
We talked everything over and he loves on me more now than he did before.
                                                     I really care about this man.
                                                                        I know he cares about me.
                  He trusts me and I him.
                                            I think I am falling hard for him.

                                                                                      Oh lawd..............