This has already been an interesting summer on the love/lust continuum. I have been in a "relationship" with this man for almost a year and I feel something changing. I say relationship because we are not officially together....but we go through most of the motions of a truly monogomous couple. At least I know he does. I on the other hand I do not. In my eyes, since he does not fully claim me then I can do who and what I want.
But I digress..... although I am technically dating 2 people and semi talking to another I am quickly coming to the realization that I am tired of playing games and am ready to settle down.
I guess this realization really smacked me in the face when a very special friend from my past called me earlier this week reprofessing his love for me and the fact that he wants me to give him a child. When I told him that "no children are coming outta me without a ring on my finger" he said that he can see marriage happening between us.
Now I know I said I'm ready for a relationship....but not a family!!! I am far from ready to be a mother.
What makes this realization so difficult is the fact that I truly care for the man that I have been with for the past year. I know he cares for me as well, but I also know that he doesn't want to be in a true relationship....honestly, I don't think I want to be in a real relationship with him. I have come to the realization that I need to be with someone closer to my age. But I am afraid to lose him. It hurts to think about it, but although I am afraid to lose him, I am also prepared for him to leave (backwards right?!). Although I don't really think he will. I feel myself becoming more distant to him and I know he can tell because he says it all the time. He has even resorted to calling instead of texting me in the mornings...yet again, I digress...
I am so confused right now. I want to be with him but I know that he is not good for me in the long run and he will probably hold me back, my heart can't afford that....I have made this mistake before. So I have to let him go....but all I want to do is hold him tighter.
