Everywhere I look a friend is getting married or pregnant. I am almost 25 and am feeling these pressures. I want a family but I want to do it the right way. At the same time I want my children to be able to enjoy their grandfather. My dad is 60 and clearly not getting any younger. I feel like I am at a fork in the road. I could get pregnant but struggle more so than I already do. Or I could wait and push through these feelings and fully take care of me first.
 I feel slightly lost because I want the companionship and I feel like I am ready for the companionship, but the choices are not what I want....minus one.
We are enjoying our friendship, but I feel like I want more from him than this. I don't want to complicate that.

I don't know i'm still working through my feelings. This is a long, grueling process.

Getting over it all

In conversations with my father and his current girlfriend I have realized that Fran still has a ridiculously strong hold on me and how I view myself. I decided that I need to write her a letter in hopes that it will bring closure to that chapter in my life. I know that it is holding me back to still have those feelings deep down inside of me.
I want to go beyond that and write my father, mother and grandparents. I think that my father will be the most difficult one to write of all because I still have to face him. My letter to Fran will be difficult simply because I know it will take alot out of me to dig that deep, when I have made it a mission not to express my feelings about her outside of anger and pain. I know that thereis more inside of me. Hell I might just go on a writing mission and write everyone!

As difficult as I know this project will be, I think I will come out of it a stronger more confident woman.

Babies

I have not had a period since May 24. I was very scared that I was pregnant, but I took a cheap pregnancy test and it says that I'm not. So I am not quite so worried now ya know? I already told P, he supports me with this. lol He even asked if I want him to come to the doctor with me. I think he hopes that I am pregnant since he has no kids of his own. What is so great about this little situation is that I just broke up with him. Thankfully we are on really good terms....like I don't think he gets the extent that I need to separate myself from him. I still want to be his friend but sex and relationshipness needs to go.

relationships

This has already been an interesting summer on the love/lust continuum. I have been in a "relationship" with this man for almost a year and I feel something changing. I say relationship because we are not officially together....but we go through most of the motions of a truly monogomous couple. At least I know he does. I on the other hand I do not. In my eyes, since he does not fully claim me then I can do who and what I want.
But I digress..... although I am technically dating 2 people and semi talking to another I am quickly coming to the realization that I am tired of playing games and am ready to settle down.
I guess this realization really smacked me in the face when a very special friend from my past called me earlier this week reprofessing his love for me and the fact that he wants me to give him a child. When I told him that "no children are coming outta me without a ring on my finger" he said that he can see marriage happening between us.

Now I know I said I'm ready for a relationship....but not a family!!! I am far from ready to be a mother.

What makes this realization so difficult is the fact that I truly care for the man that I have been with for the past year. I know he cares for me as well, but I also know that he doesn't want to be in a true relationship....honestly, I don't think I want to be in a real relationship with him. I have come to the realization that I need to be with someone closer to my age. But I am afraid to lose him. It hurts to think about it, but although I am afraid to lose him, I am also prepared for him to leave (backwards right?!). Although I don't really think he will. I feel myself becoming more distant to him and I know he can tell because he says it all the time. He has even resorted to calling instead of texting me in the mornings...yet again, I digress...

I am so confused right now. I want to be with him but I know that he is not good for me in the long run and he will probably hold me back, my heart can't afford that....I have made this mistake before. So I have to let him go....but all I want to do is hold him tighter.

Joy

He and I are good.
      We are great even.
We talked everything over and he loves on me more now than he did before.
                                                     I really care about this man.
                                                                        I know he cares about me.
                  He trusts me and I him.
                                            I think I am falling hard for him.

                                                                                      Oh lawd..............

Hurt

My baby left me today. He says he needs me to keep it 100 with him and I have; but he thinks I have had someone on the side.We were never official but in my heart I was his and he was mine.I didn't think I really had feelings for him like that but I am here sitting at my computer crying like I haven't cried in years. I miss him already and feel lost. I want him in my life.

In the end I guess this is a good thing hiding behind this pain. I will get over it and eventually see it for the blessing that this probably is.

Confusion

I am confused. A few months back I thought I lost a friend. I thought there was no coming back in anyway shape or form. Yet this week I get a text asking to meet up. I have no idea as to what is about to go down.....definitely NOT what did go down. Short and sweet, I see her, she asks for a hug, then asks if I have a min. We go outside and talk for at least 2 hours.....like nothing ever happened. What happened was addressed, but then, blown off like it was nothing. She catches me up on whats going on in her life, I get a hug from her brother and we all joke around about some things. She asks me whats going on with me. Not on the outside but in my head...like she used to do. At first, I decided that this was just a "clear the air" convo; but at the end of the day....... she says she will talk to me later and gives me a hug goodbye. She keeps me confused.......

Forgiveness....long over due

I think about you everyday. Trust its killing me that you aren't speaking to me. Understandable since I wasn't there when u needed me the most. Please believe I beat myself up over this on a daily basis. I know it doesn't matter though so its gonna have to be ok. I am getting to the point though where I am up and beyond over it. I've apologized numerous times....even buying "forgive me" cards. And figuring out how ima get it to you. I can't apologize enough to you about it. So I'm done apologizing. If you eventually forgive me then great, if not..........fuck it. I know that's harsh but you know me. Chuck em.

New avenues of expression

I think I want to take up photography.

A virus

I am beginning to believe that our relationship was parasitic instead of symbiotic. On the skin it looked to anybody immediately in it as a symbiotic beautiful thing but I believe that underneath it all she was rotting me away all the while making me believe that I was growing. Now that I have cured myself, I still have to deal with the aftermath of how I rotted and watch helplessly as she possibly rots my friends as well. Because of her relationships turned and are now festering with no visible hope of healing. As long as a parasite is in the vicinity the victim can and will not get better. Regretfully; those who are watching this from the outside can do nothing but attempt to warn the potential victim as to what they are undertaking. Thankfully, I have a nurse that warned me while i was in this parasitic yet symbiotic relationship as to what was possibly in store for me in the future. Now that I am healing from its demise, she is still here to help me through the pain. I love her for that.

Mistakes

I made a huge mistake last month. I was not there when my friend needed me. I regret this. I can't take it back, though I wish I could. I think our relationship is over due to this. It hurts. But thats the bed that I made.

Looking back at it, I think I was more MIA than I would have normally been because I felt her low key pushing me away. Last night that feeling was confirmed. A mutual friend of ours told me how when she and I came back from cali, my bestest was low key over me. I am going to assume that she was over me because I was different while in Cali. But I don't think she thought to look at how she was being toward me. I felt like she was pushing me away shortly after I arrived. Before she left we spoke all day everyday...as soon as I got there you could cut the tension with a knife it was so thick. Clearly this unresolved tension carried itself back to DC.

By the time we got back she was doing things without me and then getting on me because I was never around....What was I to do? Be there where I can clearly feel that I am not wanted? NO? So-I become MIA and now reap the consequences for not being there when she needed me. Now because of this, the friends of ours who witnessed me not being there are looking at me negatively. They don't know the whole story; they don't really know what happened.

What kills me is that I still don't know if I can talk to the friends who do matter to me about it.