relationships

This has already been an interesting summer on the love/lust continuum. I have been in a "relationship" with this man for almost a year and I feel something changing. I say relationship because we are not officially together....but we go through most of the motions of a truly monogomous couple. At least I know he does. I on the other hand I do not. In my eyes, since he does not fully claim me then I can do who and what I want.
But I digress..... although I am technically dating 2 people and semi talking to another I am quickly coming to the realization that I am tired of playing games and am ready to settle down.
I guess this realization really smacked me in the face when a very special friend from my past called me earlier this week reprofessing his love for me and the fact that he wants me to give him a child. When I told him that "no children are coming outta me without a ring on my finger" he said that he can see marriage happening between us.

Now I know I said I'm ready for a relationship....but not a family!!! I am far from ready to be a mother.

What makes this realization so difficult is the fact that I truly care for the man that I have been with for the past year. I know he cares for me as well, but I also know that he doesn't want to be in a true relationship....honestly, I don't think I want to be in a real relationship with him. I have come to the realization that I need to be with someone closer to my age. But I am afraid to lose him. It hurts to think about it, but although I am afraid to lose him, I am also prepared for him to leave (backwards right?!). Although I don't really think he will. I feel myself becoming more distant to him and I know he can tell because he says it all the time. He has even resorted to calling instead of texting me in the mornings...yet again, I digress...

I am so confused right now. I want to be with him but I know that he is not good for me in the long run and he will probably hold me back, my heart can't afford that....I have made this mistake before. So I have to let him go....but all I want to do is hold him tighter.

Joy

He and I are good.
      We are great even.
We talked everything over and he loves on me more now than he did before.
                                                     I really care about this man.
                                                                        I know he cares about me.
                  He trusts me and I him.
                                            I think I am falling hard for him.

                                                                                      Oh lawd..............

Hurt

My baby left me today. He says he needs me to keep it 100 with him and I have; but he thinks I have had someone on the side.We were never official but in my heart I was his and he was mine.I didn't think I really had feelings for him like that but I am here sitting at my computer crying like I haven't cried in years. I miss him already and feel lost. I want him in my life.

In the end I guess this is a good thing hiding behind this pain. I will get over it and eventually see it for the blessing that this probably is.

Confusion

I am confused. A few months back I thought I lost a friend. I thought there was no coming back in anyway shape or form. Yet this week I get a text asking to meet up. I have no idea as to what is about to go down.....definitely NOT what did go down. Short and sweet, I see her, she asks for a hug, then asks if I have a min. We go outside and talk for at least 2 hours.....like nothing ever happened. What happened was addressed, but then, blown off like it was nothing. She catches me up on whats going on in her life, I get a hug from her brother and we all joke around about some things. She asks me whats going on with me. Not on the outside but in my head...like she used to do. At first, I decided that this was just a "clear the air" convo; but at the end of the day....... she says she will talk to me later and gives me a hug goodbye. She keeps me confused.......

Forgiveness....long over due

I think about you everyday. Trust its killing me that you aren't speaking to me. Understandable since I wasn't there when u needed me the most. Please believe I beat myself up over this on a daily basis. I know it doesn't matter though so its gonna have to be ok. I am getting to the point though where I am up and beyond over it. I've apologized numerous times....even buying "forgive me" cards. And figuring out how ima get it to you. I can't apologize enough to you about it. So I'm done apologizing. If you eventually forgive me then great, if not..........fuck it. I know that's harsh but you know me. Chuck em.

New avenues of expression

I think I want to take up photography.

A virus

I am beginning to believe that our relationship was parasitic instead of symbiotic. On the skin it looked to anybody immediately in it as a symbiotic beautiful thing but I believe that underneath it all she was rotting me away all the while making me believe that I was growing. Now that I have cured myself, I still have to deal with the aftermath of how I rotted and watch helplessly as she possibly rots my friends as well. Because of her relationships turned and are now festering with no visible hope of healing. As long as a parasite is in the vicinity the victim can and will not get better. Regretfully; those who are watching this from the outside can do nothing but attempt to warn the potential victim as to what they are undertaking. Thankfully, I have a nurse that warned me while i was in this parasitic yet symbiotic relationship as to what was possibly in store for me in the future. Now that I am healing from its demise, she is still here to help me through the pain. I love her for that.